After spending close to three years trying to avoid the issue altogether, President Barack Obama held a press conference last week to announce the full release of his “long-form” green card. Until the announcement, America’s forty-forth president had dismissed calls for full disclosure of his immigration status with a curt “No way, Jose,” raising questions of possible Mexican heritage.

“I have decided to release information on my green card so that we can move on with the nation’s business, and not be distracted repeatedly by my foreign citizenship,” said Mr. Obama. When asked about how he planned to deal with Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution, which requires the president be a “natural born citizen of the United States,” he shifted the debate to his health care legislation. “While I understand the difficulties of those born through cesarean means, I am proud to say that my mother delivered me in the most natural, non-surgical manner available at the time in Kenya.”

“This fight is not over,” said Gwen Carpenter, leader of a “birther” organization called “The White House or the Big House, Your Choice.” Ms. Carpenter continued, “For one thing, that card isn’t even green. I’m part of a grass-roots movement. We know green.”

The surprise announcement has had little impact on the administration’s overall popularity. A network-news poll taken just seconds into the press conference found that Obama’s approval ratings had not changed since earlier in the day.

Even with the ambivalence of the electorate on his side, President Obama may face a difficult challenge as the 2012 campaign season heats up. “Ever since I heard that the President had released his green card, I’ve found myself questioning why he released the document at this time,” said a maudlin Donald Trump. “Now I have to think up some other divisive issue.”

[Image Credits: White House official photo]

A spate of costly delays has once again pushed back the planned restart date for the ailing global warming machine. Repair crews are working around the clock to restore the climate-altering system amid a tide of accusations from government leaders and denials from the secret one-world uber-government that such a machine even exists. The system, which has been out of commission for over a decade, could be down for several more years.

“This is a fiasco,” said Hiroshi Bilderberger, a high-ranking manager in the family business that controls the global warming device. “It’s so frustrating when the hidden right hand doesn’t know what the hidden left hand is doing. The International Weather Service was pushing forward with production of the needed radioactive Iodine-131 and Cesium-137 isotopes in our Fukushima plant. Then for reasons beyond my comprehension, the International Tsunami Service scatters the stuff all over Tokyo. What is this world coming to?”

Despite efforts by both George W. Bush and Barack Obama to hide the problem with a series of exciting wars, whistleblowers are speaking up faster than the CIA can dispense with them. Sarah Silversmith, a professor of Earth Studies at a university that asked not to be named, was not surprised at the troubles. “The machine dates back to the Eisenhower administration, which first proposed the ‘Meteorology-Industrial Complex.’ The thing dies every few years, and since we deny it even exists, it’s hard to find qualified repairmen. It’s really too bad, too, because it’s a gorgeous machine. Lots of shiny gears and whistles and smooth glass.”

The size of the machine also makes repairs complex. The system exists in three parts of the globe: the control components in Geneva, Switzerland; the warming turbines just outside of Rio de Janeiro; and an administration office with full secretarial staff located in Minot, North Dakota. As first exposed in the 1973 Charlton Heston documentary Soylent Green, the ultimate purpose of the device is to allow a worldwide conglomeration of evil business interests and puppet governments to implement cannibalism by 2022. “I was just telling Al Gore the other day that I’d be surprised if man-burgers showed up before the middle of the century,” said an agitated Dick Cheney.

[Image Credits: nasa.gov web site]

After several days of tense negotiations, a Seattle-area family has decided to increase the maximum amount of money it can borrow, also know as its “debt ceiling.” The Watterson’s previous limit was $286,000, an amount that included a mortgage, two car loans, and a 60-inch flat-screen television. “By increasing our indebtedness to $300,000, we can finally get back on a strong financial footing,” said Helen Watterson, the wife in the family and the lone female representative. “And get a new summer dress.”

Husband George voted in favor of the spending plan. “When I lost my job at the factory, we collected unemployment benefits for a while. But when that ran out, we resorted to deficit spending. It’s served us well in the past. Holding back on the credit cards is probably what kept me from getting a new job in the first place. As everyone knows, there’s no better way to revive the economy than by borrowing.”

Billy, the youngest Watterson with a vocabulary limited to “mama” and “no,” cast the only dissenting vote.

The family’s financial difficulties began with their wedding, when the true cost of the $50,000 fête made its way onto Visa and MasterCard accounts. “We felt bad at first,” said Helen, “but then we realized, ‘This is cool!’” They made slow but steady progress paying down the original loan amount. “That is, until my uncle, Sam, recommended that I take out a loan on a house,” said George.

“They’re idiots,” said Christopher Hoffman, the Watterson’s meddling neighbor, whose daughter has invited young Billy to several of her front-lawn tea parties. “I’m a financial adviser by trade, and I can tell you that, given their current level of income, the only legal means they have of getting out of debt are to reduce their spending, or to find a way to extract money from their friends and relatives.”

“I’m liking that second option,” responded George from across the hedge.

Notable economists were generally upbeat about the family’s plan. “I’d loan them a buck or two,” said Paul Krugman, the Nobel laureate for economics and columnist with The New York Times. Timothy Geitner, a high-ranking secretary of something or other at “The Executive Branch,” agreed, but was cautious. “At some point, even foreign banks are going to stop lending to them,” warned Tim. He also pointed out that past performance is not indicative of future results, “despite our best efforts.”

Even with the increase in their borrowing, the Wattersons continue to look for a job or some other way to pay back the funds. “We could cut back our expenses,” said George, “but as my son grows, I think this mountain of red ink will better serve as a teaching experience for him. The future of our home—of our nation—is in the hands of our children. It gives me hope.”

[Image Credits: Money image copyright (c) 2007 by S Brumley (sxc.hu/LilGoldWmn). Arrow from Microsoft Office clip art.]

Blitzen the Reindeer, one of Kris Kringle’s famed “Mighty Eight,” has been placed on the Transportation Security Administration’s “no-fly” list just days before he was to help guide Santa’s sleigh on its annual Christmas run. The travel restriction, which only impacts flights over the United States, could jeopardize a toy delivery schedule already hampered by electronics shortages in China.

“This is an outrage,” said Ernie, the official spokeself for the North Pole, although with his high, squeaky voice it might have been “Miss in the floutage” as well. “We demand that the TSA immediately restore Blitzen’s flying privileges and issue a formal apology for this senseless error. Otherwise, we will be forced to take back the full-body scanners we put in their stockings last year.”

Officials with the Obama Administration were investigating the incident. One Department of Flying Animals representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity because his family thinks he works in more reputable job, thought the red flag in the reindeer’s file might have come from name confusion with the famed terrorist leader Abu Masood al Blitzen.

Not everyone was disappointed to see Blitzen confined to the North Pole. The CIA has been monitoring a Canadian reindeer sleeper cell for several years on reports that they may have been planning to take out several of Santa’s hoofed helpers. “It’s entirely unfair,” said Fritz, the president of Antlers United, a reindeer advocacy group. “Santa keeps using the same eight reindeer over and over again, century after century. It’s only because of strict headlight safety laws that we were able to get Rudolph accepted into the team. Until Mr. Claus opens the sleigh up to other participants, I bet we’re going to see more attempts to hinder or even eliminate Dasher, Dancer, and the others.”

Even if the Blitzen incident gets cleared up before December 25, other troubles loom for Jolly Saint Nick. Although the recent elf strike was resolved quickly, the North Pole’s heavy investment in the now-stumbling Greek economy has led to the closure of several of Santa’s snow-capped toy factories. “Sometimes, I wish the entire toy thing would just disappear,” said Santa Claus in a recent interview with Barbara Walters. “With all the manufacturing regulations and the pressures of the season, it makes you wonder if Christmas wasn’t supposed to be about something much simpler.”

[Image Credits: Reindeer image copyright (c) 2009 by sxc.hu/RAWKU5. Full-body Scanner image from TSA web site.]

At a press conference held in front of a T. J. Maxx store in San Jose, California, Google announced today a new search tool for lost car keys. The service, an extension of its online query business, joins a large cadre of specialized search engines that find everything from square root of 42 to undisclosed vice-presidential locations.

“This new tool is more than just a glorified key chain,” said Sergey Brin, Technology President for the prominent dot-com business. “It will let you pinpoint the location of any key for your home, car, or company with the click of a button.” The technology works from the main Google home page through the new “I’m Feeling Locked Out” button.

To locate a set of lost keys, Car Key Search Beta needs nothing more than a picture of one of the missing keys. “And for most North American customers, there’s a good chance that we already have that picture on file,” said Deborah del Gato, the lead programmer for the new feature. With this starter image, Google uses its combined collection of Street View and Inside Your House View libraries to digitally scan for the missing item. “Within seconds,” continued del Gato, “your keys will be in hand, and a friendly Google delivery professional will drop by with a page of relevant advertisements. It couldn’t be easier.”

Despite such promises, the software is still considered “beta,” and will remain that way for Google’s traditional three-year test phase. “You might end up finding someone else’s keys,” said Brin. Yet despite some initial hiccups, the company expects to expand the feature over the next few months, “letting web site visitors search for wallets, prescription bottles, campaign promises, or any other small items that are easily lost.”

[Image Credits: Official Google logo; keys from Microsoft Office clip art.]

After a month of failed attempts that nearly put local sandwich shops out of business, crews at the Campbell Soup Company headquarters in Camden, New Jersey, successfully capped a gushing soup well. This is the same well that exploded 38 days ago, sending a rich, creamy, vitamin-packed tomato wave across four city blocks.

George Pepperidge, spokesman for the food giant, praised the teams who worked to stem the flow of motherly goodness in a bowl. “Our engineering department did an mmm mmm good job, working around the clock to come up with a solution that was low in added sodium.” Soup lovers monitored the lowering of the cap over the Gusher That’s Good For You on a live video feed available on the company’s web site.

Members of Campbell’s elite Emergency Soup for the Soul brigade closed the gaping meal-in-a-can using the so-called “top kill” method, dumping tons of “overstuffed” RavioliO’s-brand authentic Italian food product into the vomiting well. The operation almost ended in disaster when several cans of SpaghettiO’s and Chicken Noodle O’s were added to the mix, starting a deadly O’s-based chain reaction.

A little over five weeks ago, crews were condensing a batch of Chicken and Stars, “when the whole thing went Boom!” said Sarah Johnson, one of the on-staff moms. “It knocked me clean to the floor. All I could see were these little stars circling around my head.” The explosion ruptured a soup main, sending flavor after classic flavor through the streets and waterways of the Garden State’s ninth largest city.

In the weeks since the initial blast, over 40 million gallons of lunchtime favorites flowed like Goldilocks’ proverbial porridge through the city. The tide included traditional standbys such as Cream of Mushroom and Chicken Noodle, and even newer Oriental-themed flavors, renewing the debate over whether you can dig a hole to China. Recent weeks have seen some of the company’s older offerings, including Hot Dog Bean. “Trust me on this,” said an unnamed Search and Rescue responder. “You don’t want to be around when Hot Dog Bean comes pouring out.”

Now begins the massive cleanup, as thousands of New Jersey elementary school students are pressed into service, spoons in hand. In an attempt to counteract those upset at the potential environmental disaster, the company will use its fleet of eco-friendly vehicles to assist in the effort, prompting one district manager to hit his head and exclaim, “I should’ve had a V8.”

[Image Credits: www.signgenerator.org]

With the economy struggling and federal spending at an all time high, the Obama Administration is taking a bold step to improve the long-term economic outlook. Yesterday, officials from the State Department posted an auction for the State of Louisiana on the popular web site Ebay. Bidding for the southern state started at $0.99, although by 10:00am this morning, 23 bids had already pushed the price up to $539.20.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton approved of the sale, calling it “The right state at the right time.” When asked whether last year’s “Rhode Island / Craigslist” incident would have any bearing on the sale, Secretary Clinton assured reporters that her department “would no longer accept personal checks.”

A review of the Ebay listing found the following description: “You are bidding on the State of Louisiana, one of fifty rare American states. Although this is a used state, it has been kept in good condition, with some minor oil staining along one edge. Portions of the levy system near Big Easy region may need replacement parts; current Army Corps of Engineers warranty is not transferable. This beautiful state comes with a Certificate of Authenticity signed by Napoleon Bonaparte. Buyer must pickup the state within 14 days of purchase, and must provide transportation. PayPal accepted.”

News of the auction came as a surprise to governors in states bordering the Gulf of Mexico. “All I can say is: It’s about time,” said Rick Perry, governor of the neighboring state of Texas. “It’s about d–n time.”

Joe Biden, normally busy with his hectic Vice Presidentialing schedule, held a press conference to discuss the sale. “I personally like Louisiana. It’s one of my four dozen or so favorite states. But the fact is that it’s a money pit. Between the hurricanes and the waist-high deep pools of BP oil, it’s cheaper in the long run to just sell the thing.”

The Treasury Department hopes to get at least $11 million for the state, just about breaking even with the original purchase price for the entire Louisiana Purchase transaction. Although the bidding level is still low after just 24 hours of activity, New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu expects a few “international high rollers or FEMA executives to snipe the lower bidders during the last ten minutes.”

No matter what price is received, the Administration has already made plans for the next state on the auction block. “Three words,” said President Obama. “Dallas Arab Emirates.”

[Image Credits: United States Postal Service.]

With the economy continuing its downward spiral, Iran counting the days until its nuclear dreams come true, and a general malaise within the Democratic Party, President Barack Obama announced today that he would invoke flight, invisibility, and other Executive Superhero Powers over the next three months. Although the president had yet to decide on a name for his heroic alter ego, he has already been fitted for a dapper dark-blue stretch suit with coordinated pale blue cape.

“Americans need not fear the future,” said President Obama in a press conference in the White House’s underground PrezCave. “Instead, they can have hope that my administration’s policies and my heat-ray vision will reduce the unemployment rate.” The president’s new sidekick, a masked government official with “Bidenmite” emblazoned across his chest, stood nearby as the crusader-in-chief spoke. “Together, we will fight for truth, justice, and the Sociali…I mean, the American way.”

Conservatives called the increase in presidential authority over nature “a typical left-wing ploy to deflect criticism of failed economic policies.” Newt “The Green Budget Machete” Gingrich, former congressional superhero (Republican universe) / supervillain (Democrat universe), laughed maniacally from his Fortress of American Contracts. “The President has taken a bold step today. But I promise you, this is a fight he will never win!” said Gingrich, along with other catchy super-mottos. A masked government official with “Lieber-man” emblazoned across his chest, stood by as the former House speaker, uh, spoke.

Highly classified, the constitutionally-protected superpowers have been the topic of much speculation since they were first codified by President Woodrow Wilson following an attack on the United States by mutant 30-foot ants near the close of World War I. Wilson’s use of cannon-blast fists and super speed brought about an American victory, but led to the subsequent election of Warren G. Harding. Ever since, the Department of Nemesis Defense has advised presidents against using the available powers.

Despite the warnings, Mr. Obama is confident his new abilities will put America on the right track. “Mild mannered approaches are not working,” said the president after leaping the 2010 budget in a single bound. “I promise to be bitten by as many radioactive spiders as it takes to defeat the combined evils of AIG, George Bush, Fox News, and the army of BP-trained zombies that are bringing our economy down.”

[Image Credits: Official White House photo.]

In an alarming trend that has deceased environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief, a heatwave across Hell has pushed temperatures into record territory. The calefaction in some regions of the already arid Hades plain has been so severe that several weather stations have combusted spontaneously in flashes of white-hot brimstone. Exclamations of “cool” by incorrigible children at seeing the explosions only serve to mock the air-conditionless atmosphere.

“I can’t recall it ever being this hot before,” said Nero, a long-time resident and a fire marshal in Hell’s Latin Quarter. “It’s summers like this that make one pine for younger days. Even my annual vacation to the Lake of Fire offers no relief.”

Underworld temperatures, which normally hover around ten million degrees, have been holding steady near twelve million. The exact reason for the change remains unclear, but the crisis is of such concern that the local Democratic-Republican Party has added a “Spiritual Revival on Earth” plank to their platform in an attempt to offset the heating effects of rampant sin.

Despite a cooling trend over the past decade, climatologists at the Eternal Weather Service said that the sudden uptick in hellish temperatures represented “a disturbing trend.” One demonic minion, who spoke on the laughable condition of anonymity, accused Heaven of driving up temperatures. “It’s their refusal to switch to energy-efficient lighting. If you are going to be the Light of Life, at least do so in a responsible manner. I swear, sometimes Heaven is just plain evil.”

Despite both emotions and environmental conditions reaching the boiling point, some residents of perdition called the claims of pending high-temp doom overblown. Adolf Hitler, a consultant with the Citizens for a Better Underworld, chuckled when asked about the long-term devastation. “Temperatures go up; temperatures go down. It’s one hundred percent natural. Those who believe in conspiracies about man-made eternal warming are no different from those who tout Holocaust theories.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]

The end of July 2010 marks the first anniversary of Humorality.com. To celebrate the event, Tim Patrick will take a much-deserved break for a few weeks. He promises to be nothing but serious during that time, saving up all of his actual humor for this site. But that doesn’t mean you need to be without a smile on your face. Click the Archive link to see articles you might have missed from the past year.

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]