In a move meant to stabilize the current unease within the legislative industry, federal regulators seized the assets of seven underperforming senators at the US Capital. The names of the elected officials were not made available, but several senators were seen being forcefully carried out of their office by members of the ATF, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Congressmen, and Explosives.

“It was like a scene out of a movie,” said Sarah Watson, the front office secretary for Senator Al Franken (D-MN). “And I’m not talking about one of those cute Pixar movies, or those comedy romances that I like to watch with my boyfriend. To be honest, I think he’d rather watch some Vin Diesel action something or other, which is exactly the type of movie I was referring to.”

George Parcheesi, a long-time staffer to Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), said he just stood by with his mouth open as both the junior and senior senators from his state were carried away in shackles. “It makes you stop and wonder about what is happening in this nation when your own boss could be underperforming. You tend not to notice these things when you have YouTube up.”

The Justice Department, which coordinated the early morning raid, initially targeted nine senate offices for closure. “But then we found out that the reduced activities of Senators Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd might be justified due to their recent deaths,” said Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference in front of the capital building. “We’ll continue our investigation, and exhume their bodies if it turns out they are just being lazy.”

Other underperforming senators rounded up in the coordinated action include Republicans Judd Gregg of New Hampshire and Johnny Isakson from Georgia. Other senators who were found milling around the Senate chambers didn’t seem to recognize either of those names, so the takedowns in those two cases seemed to be justified. The last two captures had yet to be identified, possibly due to their long-term inability to shock the nation with hypocrisy or scandal.

Today’s operation is the first time in nearly a decade that officials had raided the capital. In early 2001, Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards (D) was briefly detained for failing to cast several key votes. But when further investigation revealed that he was mulling a run for the presidency and that he was elected mainly due to his handsome features, he was released on his own recognizance. Senator John Kerry (D-MA) didn’t return calls about the incident, citing “ongoing anger issues.”

It is unclear how the removal of nearly ten percent of the upper chamber will impact the balance of power on The Hill, or how it will play out in the upcoming midterm elections. Harry Reid, the incumbent senior senator from Nevada and current Majority Leader, perhaps summed it up best: “Put me down! Put me down! You haven’t heard the last of me!”

[Image Credits: Capital image from official US Senate web site. Closed Sign image from Microsoft Office clipart.]

The USS Enterprise, the United Federation of Planet’s flagship vessel, reached a grim milestone today as it announced the death of its 1,000th red-shirted security officer. The news came on what was an otherwise uneventful day in its ongoing mission, apart from simultaneous attacks by the Romulans, the Klingons, a cargo bay filled with Tribbles, and the cookie brigade from Girl Scout Troupe number 34923402.

“Our goal is to seek out new life, and regrettably that is going to involve new deaths,” said James Kirk, captain of the warp-capable starship. “The sacrifices of these brave crewmen will be remembered always, although their names have already slipped my mind, if they even had names to begin with.”

According to Federation sources, the 3,342,767,129,652-horsepower cruiser suffered its 1,000th security death five days ago when a red-clothed ensign, a recent graduate of the Space Security Program at the University of Phoenix, was instantly vaporized by malevolent, non-corporeal, trans-dimensional, energy-based life forms on a previously uncharted planet. The ship’s sensors identified the planet as “one more in a long string of idyllic, lush, and safe Class M planets, with a less than one percent chance of harboring danger or peril.”

Amnesty Universal, a non-governmental group that likes to keep track of things like this, said that the death was certainly avoidable. “It’s not like these were casualties of the ongoing Below-Zero Cold War with the Romulans. This ship was on a mission of exploration and peace. ‘Pieces’ is more like it. Do they even have an exit strategy to get us out of the galaxy once and for all?”

Science officer Spock, the Enterprise’s second in command, called Amnesty Universal’s statements “illogical.” “We have no choice but to send these personnel into harm’s way. As every citizen of the Federation knows, our advanced firepower and minimal understanding of the cultures we encounter are sufficient to guard against needless tragedy. The people of Earth and other like-minded planets can sit back and relax, knowing that their comfort and lives of ease are supported by our efforts.”

But as the death toll continues to mount, ordinary people are standing up to moan and complain. “What happened to the Prime Directive?” asked Gertrude Stargazer, no one of any significant importance beyond this brief interview. “If other worlds want to rise up and kill us, why should we interfere with their internal affairs? It’s not like I wear red.”

[Image Credits: Unknown]

The United States Supreme Court today issued a ruling in a contentious Kansas-state case that has pro-choice advocates up in arms against their pro-battery-life counterparts. In a 5-4 decision, the court affirmed that states may impose restrictions on cell phone users who wish to abort their two-year contracts during the final eight months. States could already impose such limitations during the first two trimesters, although only seven states had the backbone to do so.

Chief Justice John Roberts read the majority opinion in State of Kansas v. Planned Phonehood of the Midwest, which was enjoined by the court’s other conservative-leaning members. “Although we fully understand the rhetoric of ‘a caller’s right to choose,’ the state also has a compelling interest in protecting the rights of cell phone service contracts, certainly among our nation’s most vulnerable business documents.” Justice Stephen Breyer, a Bill Clinton appointee who frequently votes with the liberal wing of the high court, spontaneously combusted as the opinion was read from the dais.

Tim Dobson, founder of Focus on the Cell Phone and host of a popular radio program, praised the ruling. “America cannot be known as a country that allows its un-renewed contracts to be murdered in the name of convenience,” said the electronics psychologist on his daily program. “Today’s decision restores the founder’s vision of life, liberty, and the right to enforce one-sided contracts.”

The crux of the case was whether businesses like Verizon and T-Mobile could offer early contract terminations to its customers during the final trimester of service, those months when such contracts have the best chance of being birthed anew for another two years. In the days leading up to the ruling, protesters had frequently gathered outside of big-box stores such as Best Buy and Starbucks Club, carrying signs with statements of “Contract Killer” and “Cell No, We Won’t Go.”

A clerk at an AT&T Wireless shop in Hollywood, California, didn’t seem to even know what the Supreme Court was. But a manager at another AT&T store, this one actually in Kansas, felt sympathy for the protesters. “These are people who have had to face some of the biggest challenges in their lives, living for nearly two years with our spotty service. If they want to pay ridiculous early termination fees for what is a perfectly legal procedure, I say let them do it.”

Despite the controversy, Sam Brownback, the senior US senator from Kansas, sees the court’s move as the right decision. “All we are asking for is a little sanity on this understandably divisive topic. Remember, every early termination stops a beating smart phone.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart]

President Obama took some time out from his busy deficit-spending activities to sign an immigration-related order that some are calling “executive.” The order enacts a new set of rules for the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) that bring it in line with the same “opt out” policies currently applied to internet users, medical patients, and various endangered species.

Under the new guidelines, all those in the United States who were formerly classified as illegal aliens will now be known as citizens, unless they check the appropriate opt-out box on the new ICE Form A4832-4GS3 Revision 6.2010. The form will also need to be signed, notarized, affirmed by a witness, stamped by a postal service employee, and blessed by an ordained priest, pastor, rabbi, imam, shaman, witch doctor, or any senator over 65 years of age.

“Simplicity,” said Barack Obama at the signing ceremony. “It’s all about simplicity. For decades our leaders in government have been bogged down in partisan bickering over issues as silly as what defines a citizen of the United States of America. It’s time to put our differences aside.” At the same event, the President signed a second order that provides scholarships and student loans for the Electoral College.

Immigrant rights groups praised the change in national policy. “¡Viva los Estados Unidos de América!” said Carlos Smith, one of nearly eleven million new citizens. “My familia when through mucho hardships trying to get to this country. But now those hardships are gone. If I had one thing to say about my new country, it’s that it is easy.”

Not everyone was joining in the celebration. Ron Paul, who tried to win the Republican primary during the 2008 presidential race with his controversial “good cop, bad cop” election strategy, rejected the new immigration standards. “Switching from an opt-in to an opt-out citizenship focus is a scandal. It’s nothing more than a way for government-run-amuck to bring unwanted intrusions into the homes of hundreds of millions of residents, intrusions such as lowered produce costs, Juan Valdez look-alike contests, and unsolicited phone calls from Nancy Pelosi. We need more than an opt-out policy. We need a National Do Not Immigrate Registry.”

Immigration and Customs Enforcement promises a smooth transition, despite not having any of the new canary yellow forms available for at least twelve to eighteen months. “We are asking new immigrants to please bear with us while we address these changes,” said John Morton, the head of ICE and an all-around nice guy. “Until we have everything set up, we ask that you come in and make yourselves at home.”

[Image Credits: Unknown]

The Census Bureau, the government agency empowered to ask personal, somewhat embarrassing questions in a graded essay format, released an updated set of population numbers from each of the 52 states, plus the Pretend State of Washington, DC. The current population of the United States stands at 309,495,619, or 309,495,620 if you are a really slow reader.

The revised numbers come amid a swirl of controversy over the bureau’s omission of key geographic areas and people groups, “including Rhode Island and East Virginia,” said Robert Groves, director of the Census Bureau. Calling it an honest mistake, Mr. Groves pointed the finger at the Founding Fathers “for allowing states to get that small in the first place. We’re still scanning maps for East Virginia and its population of nearly four million.”

Also left out of the previous numbers were Wyoming, “which didn’t really impact the totals despite being left out for at least five years,” and Arizona, a state currently in federal custody while it awaits a Supreme Court decision over charges of vigilantism.

Today’s announcement is based on the estimated 2010 population numbers, an extrapolation of the 2009 official estimates, which in turn come from 2008′s educated guesses, then 2007, and so on, down to the constitutionally protected numbers of the 2000 Census. “And we had Y2K to contend with back then,” said Groves. “It’s a good thing we wipe the slate clean every ten years.” The numbers from the 2010 Census won’t be available until December, “or the twelfth month of the year, which ever comes first.”

Census Bureau figures have a direct impact on the number of representatives each state is allowed to have in Congress. With the corrected counts in hand, the House of Representatives welcomed back Texas representative Sheila Jackson-Lee, who had been working at a Baltimore-area Denny’s since a census announcement swung against her three months ago.

Congress may conduct a formal investigation over the errant population values. Harry Reid (D-NV-LV-1138-ZLR), the Senate’s Majority Leader, promised to “uncover the Bush-era policies that led to this failure that has a direct impact on the apportionment for all three congressional chambers, plus the four or five of the branches of government.”

But Margaret Hernandez-Hernandez, Public Apologies director of the Bureau’s Western States region, which includes the newly restored Spanish-speaking state of South California, placed the blame on technology. “Microsoft changed the Excel toolbar on us again, and frankly, the Washington-based company better get it restored now or they may find themselves with a sudden decrease in those classified as Asian or Pacific Islander.”

[Image Credits: Census truck image source unknown. 'The Count' from the Sesame Workshop.]

Facebook announced today its plan to build the world’s largest border fence in an attempt to stem the flow of illegal users into its system. With the third largest population in the world, just behind China and India, Facebook has recently experienced a flood of immigrants into its domain. Industry estimates put the inward migration at nearly 50,000 users a month, mostly from sites left bankrupt from world downward download economy.

“We’ve already started laying down the initial foundations of the fence,” said Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of the web-based nation-state. “We’re starting along the Facebook-MySpace border, where we’ve experienced the most vulnerability. That should stop people coming in. As for those already here, making their ‘Interests’ and ‘Photos’ public is usually enough encouragement to get them to return on their own.”

Those with a Facebook presence on the edges of the system cheered the news. “It’s about time they did something with these border crossings,” said one user who wished to remain anonymous because he wouldn’t be my friend. “You can’t believe the amount of trash these illegal aliens leave all over my Farmville.”

When complete, border patrol bots will oversee a 24,000-terabyte-long electrified fence. But where some see this as a blessing, others see an ulterior motive. “Facebook is attempting to institutionalize racism by hiding behind this fence,” said a posting on the wall of “The Open Logins Project,” a Facebook group with 1,639 members. “It’s another fascist attempt to keep out those who don’t have the same computational genes as the majority, a plan to oppress those who only want a little freedom.” Pokes to the Open Logins Project went un-poked-back due to the sudden deletion of the group.

Others felt the most popular web site on Earth wasn’t doing enough about undocumented accounts without profile pictures. One user named The Real Paris Hilton blasted Facebook for focusing on the wrong issues. “Studies show that people who engage in highly dynamic social interactions online are susceptible to fluctuations in the contemporaneous milieu,” said Hilton, whose Facebook page warns about rampant identity theft on the site.

Facebook hopes to have the border fence completed and paid for within two years, “if we can sell enough advertising to our members based on their secure profile,” said Zuckerberg. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just opt everyone in to the ‘Arizona Immigration’ clause of the privacy policy.”

[Image Credits: Official Facebook logo. Gate image copyright (c) 2008 by Antonio Jiménez Alonso (sxc.hu/Capgros).]

British Petroleum (BP), one of the largest energy companies in the world, announced this week the discovery of one of the greatest oil finds of the twenty-first century. The oil, estimated to number in the billions of barrels, was found intermixed within the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, near the site of one of its former drilling rigs.

“We’ve been pumping oil out of the ground in that area for years,” said Andy Inglis, the head of Exploration and Production for the multinational corporation. “We’ve dug down several miles into the ocean floor, but it never occurred to us to just dip a ladle into the sea. This will save us a lot of trouble since we won’t have to drill for the Texas Tea.”

BP has been under pressure from the Obama Administration in recent weeks after a large oil rig caught fire and sank in gulf waters southeast of Louisiana. It was during a search and rescue operation for members of the rig’s operations team that the company discovered the large region of mid-sea oil.

“It was huge,” said Carl-Henric Svanberg, chairman of BP, during an interview on at least one of the major news programs last Sunday. “And the best part is that it’s getting bigger all the time. At first we thought it was only going to be a few thousand barrels. But it’s so large that it’s lapping onto the American coastline. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

President Obama took time out from his search for Joe Biden to weigh in on the crude oil discovery. “We have been working with British Petroleum’s management team to determine how best to tax this new international resource. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

Some members of the environmental community, however, were displeased at BP’s announcement. “This is an outrage,” said Pierre Petros, president of People United for the Ethical Treatment of Leftover Dinosaur Parts. “It’s bad enough that they are pumping this dwindling resource out of ground. But now they have to contaminate the pure crude with filthy, fish-ridden sea water. Don’t they know that oil and water don’t mix?”

BP has already started processing the oil from the chilly Gulf waters, but also plans to design a new refinery system to handle the special crude. “When salt water mixes with the raw oil, it introduces flavors never before experienced at the pump,” said Svanberg. “It’s like when new spices started coming out of India centuries ago. Don’t be surprised if you see cardamom- and anise-scented fuels showing up at stations by next year.”

[Image Credits: CBS]

Merriam-Webster, producers of books with the world’s most uninventive storylines, announced today an update to the definition for “poverty.” The current dictionary entry defines the word as “the state of one who lacks a usual or socially acceptable amount of money or material possessions.” Today’s revision corrects the language to the more inclusive “the state of one receiving government support.”

“Language is always changing, and we regularly update the words in our dictionary products based on those changes. But this time, it seems we just messed up,” said Benjamin Abcedghik, Director of Words and Stuff for the company. “The word ‘poverty’ has had a consistent definition for hundreds of years. But problems with that definition have been debated among our scholars as far back as The Great Depression.”

At issue is how the United States government defines the poverty level, an imaginary financial income line below which are found the poor, the wretched, the registered Democrats, and the destitute. Since the passage of Lyndon Johnson’s Economic Opportunity Act of 1964, part of his Great Society plan, the percentage of those falling below the poverty line has hovered close to thirteen percent.

“And that was our problem,” said Abcedghik. “All of those billions and trillions of dollars going to bring people out of poverty, and still the numbers hadn’t budged in nearly fifty years. Inconceivable! That’s when we figured out the word didn’t mean what we thought it meant.”

The editorial board at Merriam-Webster convened six months ago to discuss possible changes to the official definition of words like “poverty,” “poor,” and “Jimmy Carter.” What they discovered astounded them. “We decided to leave ‘Jimmy Carter’ as it was. But ‘poverty’ had to change because almost everyone and everything in America is poor. And with the federal government handing out money to struggling banks and automobile companies, funding student loans to millions of middle-class and upper-class students, and sponsoring PBS tributes to Peter, Paul, and Mary, people are getting poorer all the time.”

The company plans to issue a wave of revised dictionaries later this year. “Words like ‘poverty’ will make it in, but we don’t have time to correct other big-concept words,” said Mr. Abcedghik, pausing to release a heartfelt sigh. “And until we come up with an accurate definition, we’ve decided to pull the word ‘freedom’ completely out of the unabridged volume.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clip art.]

In a landmark vote that is sure to impact pawn shops and bowling alleys across the state, the Arizona legislature has passed the controversial “No Alien Left Behind” package of immigration reforms. Derided by some as the “Finders Keepers” law, the changes would allow state residents to keep any misplaced or discarded illegal aliens they find.

“You can’t believe the number of foreign nationals left sitting in our lost and found,” said Milford Alexander, chief custodian at the Greyhound Bus terminal in Tucson. “Sometimes we have to store the extras behind the ticket counter. Now we’ll be able to put them out on the curb with ‘Free Alien’ signs on their collars. This law is a godsend.”

The business and retail community also welcomed the new rules, which go into effect immediately. Janice Arrivederci, a fashion designer working in upscale Scottsdale, couldn’t wait to add a few aliens to her shop floor. “A mannequin only has so many points of articulation. Trying to fit them with real clothing is a nightmare. But these aliens are just like real people. I’m going to pick up two or three this afternoon.”

Despite the positive reception, immigration rights groups were displeased at the change in state policy. “This is racism, pure and simple,” said José Suzuki, a human rights activist living in Yuma. “Illegal aliens come from every country on earth, and represent a cross section of humanity. But when you have to match an alien to your existing décor, of course you are going to include race in the decision.”

The group Citizens United Versus Citizens Not United has announced several major protests across the state this weekend. Police are urging residents to help with the post-protest cleanup and take any alien stragglers to their homes or places of worship.

To help quell any continuing unrest, Arizona is already considering adjustments to the law. One suggested modification would require that residents acquire aliens according to their demographic distribution. “The Mexican aliens are proving to be quite popular, but we have to be fair,” said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. “What we don’t want is to have a situation where illegal Polish immigrants are littering the streets and neighborhoods.”

[Image Credits: Lost and Found Counter image from State of Hawaii web site. Alien image source unknown.]

A gathering of officials from more than fifty nations has given provisional approval to a plan that will eliminate all active volcanoes from the earth within fifteen years. Environmentalists hailed the decision as a bold step forward in reducing air pollution, although some groups said the recommendations didn’t go far enough in “purging every speck of dust from the planet.”

The meeting came at a time of increased volcanic activity, especially with the recent eruption of a major mountain in Iceland. Albert Core, the conference’s keynote speaker, found the earth’s rumblings troubling. “It’s ridiculous what’s going on with all these volcanoes. Everywhere you look another one is blowing up in your face. They don’t even have normal names. Eyjafjallajökull? Pinatubo? Fuji? At least the hurricane people know how to give reasonable Western names to their storms.”

“The earth’s environment is far too delicate to leave in the hands of Mother Nature,” said Sarah Greenpeace, one of the attendees from Canada. “Volcanoes are just one of her many failings. She has long shown her contempt for her own home planet. She never even applied that bottle of sunscreen we sent her last year.”

The meeting, which opened in Paris with a private screening of Joe Versus the Volcano, drew science ministers and other governmental representatives from as far away as Zimbabwe, a country not known to have any volcanoes. “But we let them in,” said Pierre Sangfroid, director of the Put a Cork In It Institute for Volcanic Studies, which sponsored the event. “It was either them or the United States, a country that still uses light bulbs. It just makes me sick.”

The agreement goes into effect in 2011, with Japan having the honor of shutting down the first active volcano. Yet despite the aggressive volcano retirement schedule, some signatories doubted the scheme would fulfill the long term benefits to Earth or its human inhabitants. “Volcanoes take hundreds of lives every year,” said Wilhelm Brandenburg, Germany’s representative at the summit. “Frankly, I see those numbers going up, not down, what with all the young virgins we will need to keep throwing into these mountains year in and year out.”

[Image Credits: Mount Ngaruahoe image copyright 2009 by sxc.hu/gemarijo. Cork image copyright 2007 by Alessandro Paiva (sxc.hu/Ale_Paiva).]