In an alarming trend that has deceased environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief, a heatwave across Hell has pushed temperatures into record territory. The calefaction in some regions of the already arid Hades plain has been so severe that several weather stations have combusted spontaneously in flashes of white-hot brimstone. Exclamations of “cool” by incorrigible children at seeing the explosions only serve to mock the air-conditionless atmosphere.

“I can’t recall it ever being this hot before,” said Nero, a long-time resident and a fire marshal in Hell’s Latin Quarter. “It’s summers like this that make one pine for younger days. Even my annual vacation to the Lake of Fire offers no relief.”

Underworld temperatures, which normally hover around ten million degrees, have been holding steady near twelve million. The exact reason for the change remains unclear, but the crisis is of such concern that the local Democratic-Republican Party has added a “Spiritual Revival on Earth” plank to their platform in an attempt to offset the heating effects of rampant sin.

Despite a cooling trend over the past decade, climatologists at the Eternal Weather Service said that the sudden uptick in hellish temperatures represented “a disturbing trend.” One demonic minion, who spoke on the laughable condition of anonymity, accused Heaven of driving up temperatures. “It’s their refusal to switch to energy-efficient lighting. If you are going to be the Light of Life, at least do so in a responsible manner. I swear, sometimes Heaven is just plain evil.”

Despite both emotions and environmental conditions reaching the boiling point, some residents of perdition called the claims of pending high-temp doom overblown. Adolf Hitler, a consultant with the Citizens for a Better Underworld, chuckled when asked about the long-term devastation. “Temperatures go up; temperatures go down. It’s one hundred percent natural. Those who believe in conspiracies about man-made eternal warming are no different from those who tout Holocaust theories.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]

In what is being called both a medical miracle and a miracle miracle, a team of doctors and chaplains has successfully completed the world’s first full-faith transplant. The operation holds much promise for the millions of people worldwide who suffer from faith-related diseases, including atheism, a debilitating and often fatal disorder known in the medical literature as “Acquired Faith Deficiency Syndrome.”

The transplant was performed at St. Joseph’s Medical Center in Minneapolis, a town known as “The Holy Land” by its predominantly Lutheran population. Lars Iverson, chief of Adult Fideliology at “Saint Joey’s,” moved to the Twin Cities nearly two decades ago with a dream of bringing medically-induced faith to its citizens. “People call this the Midwest Mecca, but the fact is that the spiritually disaffected wander the streets, hopeless, faithless, in need of urgent biblical care. I just hope today’s procedure can become the norm.”

The technology needed to transplant faiths has been around for more than ten years, but finding compatible donors has proved difficult. “Humans are born with an innate sense of faith that normally grows and develops well into their adult years,” said Mary Nelson, a member of the transplant team. “But since about the 1960′s, through a combination of poor spiritual eating habits and new diseases that target the faith centers of the body, we’ve seen a dramatic decrease in supernatural health. It’s something you just don’t expect in a land of plenty.”

The seven-hour procedure was performed on a 45-year-old male whose name has not yet been released pending a follow-up baptism. The donor was 78-year-old Estelle Halverson, a life-long Catholic who had been involved in a serious potluck-related injury at her church earlier that day. “She came in repeating ‘Hail Mary’ over and over again,” said Ms. Nelson. “When I saw the leather-bound King James in her casserole-encrusted hands, I knew we had a match.”

Despite the success of the surgery, it could be months, or even years, before the patient finds a church that is able to help him go through the full healing process. “Until then, we’ll need to keep him loaded up on anti-rejection medications,” said Sven Olafson, the transplant recipient’s primary care physician. “If the transplant takes hold, his body will generate antibodies on its own, defenses strong enough to withstand even arguments over the First Amendment’s religion clauses.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]

By a margin of 216 to 215, the House of Representatives voted today to pass a comprehensive salvation reform package know as the “God’s Not So Tough Act of 2010.” Final details of the bill were hammered out in a closed-door session that leaders hoped would be hidden from the King of King’s prying eyes. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi called the close Republican-free vote “a landslide victory for lesser humans.”

The vote came amid ongoing controversy over whether the United States government had the right to bestow eternal blessings at all, not only for its own citizens, but also for the millions of illegal aliens who have been breaking the “Thou shall not covet thy neighboring country’s financial success” laws for decades.

“Today marks a great day for the American people,” said Senate Outreach Committee Chairwoman Debbie Stabenow, who heads up the evangelism efforts for the legislative body. “For too long this country has allowed Heaven to be associated with the spiritually rich and those with a political agenda that depended on tradition and the status quo. Today’s House vote ensures that the benefits of that eternal home will be available to tens of millions of our most vulnerable sinners, cheats, ne’er-do-wells, atheists, and tax collectors among us.”

“I know you are, but what am I,” responded Mitch McConnell, head of the Senate Republicans.

President Barack Obama has promised to sign the bill once an associated “spiritual reconciliation” bill has passed the Senate. Still, the final implementation of the new law by the recently created Eternal Revenue Service (ERS) remains in doubt since the full Congress lacks the necessary votes to overcome a promised veto by Jesus.

The reaction from all fifty states was mixed. “This is ___ awesome, so ___, ___, ___ crazy,” said Lester Pengrove, on vacation with an unidentified woman in Las Vegas, Nevada. “Now what happens in my ___ heart will stay in my ___ heart. I’m finally free to do what I ___ want, and the ___ government is going to ___ pay the ___ eternal bill for me. ____!”

Pat Robertson, an evangelist and stand-up comedian living in Virginia, took the opposite stance. “Only God has the right to determine who gets to go to Heaven and who doesn’t. When someone says that this group is saved or that this other group is being punished by God for their sins, it borders on the blasphemous. The Bible is not up for a vote. ____!”

Even if passed, the full law won’t go into effect until 2014, and some, like John Marshmallow, head of Atheists for Eternal Life, are worried that the delay could put many Americans in danger of hellfire. “It’s just an indication of how far downhill America has gone. Sometimes I wish we were back in the 1950s, when being an American was enough to get you into heaven. Thanks a lot, trial lawyers!”

[Image Credits: The Second Coming, by Harry Anderson (1906-1996)]

In a move that is sure to ruffle the feathers of religious conservatives, the state of California has passed a measure legalizing the right of couples to marry for 24 hours or less, also known as “day marriage.” Within hours of the marriage bill becoming law, supporters began crowding the steps of the courthouse in Beverly Hills, the city eponymous with a single day of wedded bliss, waving signs with the movement’s “Go Ahead, Make My Day” motto.

The bill went to Governor Schwarzenegger’s desk as part of a spending package with $23 billion in budget cuts. The governor had vowed to veto any change in marriage standards that crossed his desk. But with the marriage bill’s link to the massive overhaul of state spending that he asked for, “I had to decide which was more important for our state: money or marriage.”

“I never thought this day would come,” said Chuck Cokesbury, standing with a nervous woman who identified herself only as Crystal. “I finally get to marry the woman I love. I’m just glad all of the pressure of a long-term commitment is finally gone.”

As early as next month, counties will be able to issue official Marriage Day Passes to any couple waiting to take a trip down the aisle. In a compromise plan to obtain several key Republican votes, the law includes a three-day waiting period.

Robert Patterson, pastor of the 5000-member Church of My Way or the Highway in Orange County, ridiculed the new law. “What right does the government have to redefine marriage? Marriage has always been about the union of a man and a woman for a lifetime. It was Moses himself who added the ’till death do us part’ part in there. You can’t get any more authoritative than that.”

Opponents of quickie marriages have begun circulating a petition for a new amendment to the United States Constitution that would require a minimum length of two months for all new marriages, and put an end to the “weekly unions” enacted by some states. The group, calling itself Americans for the Long Haul, has already received endorsements from such luminaries as Elizabeth Taylor and Britney Spears. They hope to have the language for an amendment before Congress by the big June marriage season.

“They just want to push their death-marriage message on the rest of us,” said Sybil Abaddon, president of What a Difference a Day Makes, a pro-day-marriage group. “Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Reducing marriage down to an intense, loving one-day event is not going to destroy the institution, especially when it qualifies spouses for joint filing on their annual tax returns.”

[Image Credits: Calendar image copyright (c) 2006 by Maxime Perron Caissy (sxc.hu/shadowkill). Lipstick image from Microsoft Office clip art.]

The coming of a new year brings with it the looming April 15th deadline for filing American tax returns. But this year, changes to the federal tax code will require that God submit a standard 1040 form and all accompanying schedules. In closed-door meetings on Christmas Day, when God was busy with holiday festivities, members of Congress passed a sweeping overhaul of the tax system that included issuing a 342,957-digit Social Security Number to the King of Kings.

President Obama addressed the changes at a signing ceremony over the weekend. “For too long, the hard-working citizens of this country have carried the overwhelming burden of its wasteful and bureaucratic programs and services. Others, especially those in positions of universe-creating power, have avoided paying into a system that is at risk of collapsing thanks to my eighteen Republican predecessors. It’s time for the rich and omnipotent to contribute to the well being of this nation.”

Until now, the independently-wealthy Creator has not drawn an income from any American business, and therefore has never paid federal income taxes. The new changes expand the definition of income to encompass more general benefits to God’s bottom line, including church donations, profits from Thanksgiving Day sales, and the capital gains of plants and creatures that implement his DNA-based life systems. Other modifications limit God’s ability to claim all humans as his dependents.

“The guy only has one son, and he’s thousands of years old,” said IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman. “Are you telling me that he is still living at home? And beyond the issue of dependents, the reality is that God has never paid his fair share of the tax burden. Like so many of the powerful elite, he has used loopholes and ‘Acts of God’ to avoid his financial obligations. He sits there on his throne while the vulnerable and impoverished pay for his lavish lifestyle. It’s shameful.” Mr. Shulman was later rushed to the hospital in critical condition.

“We’re not trying to pick on God,” said Representative Charles Rangel, chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, which drafted the changes. “With the historically high rates of unemployment we’ve seen over the past year, income to the federal treasury has been down significantly. Congress either had to find ways to reduce spending, or come up with eternal sources of funding. The choice was obvious.”

In addition to the income taxes, the president also announced new tariffs on imports of blessings from Heaven, rule changes on death taxes that exclude resurrections from probate considerations, assessments from the use of the lucrative “God Bless You” trademark, and property taxes on Heaven’s vast land holdings. “Those streets of gold will go a long way toward supporting the health care needs of all Americans,” said Mr. Obama.

In a prepared statement, the Lord of Hosts reiterated Psalm 24:1, his past position on civil taxes: “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.” Pope Benedict XVI, one of God’s European representatives, called the attempt at American taxation “a hilarious knee-slapper.” Even the American Civil Liberties Union, often identified as a foe of religious groups, took issue with the tax change, citing “messy church-state complications.”

Montana Senator Max Baucus, the Democratic chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, was confident that the Alpha and Omega would comply with the changes. “All we’re asking is that God follow his own advice and ‘render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.’ The guy is loaded, and should have no difficulties paying into the treasury system. Not even God should be able to avoid death and taxes.”

[Image Credits: Public Domain]

In a sign that the world economy might be turning around, Heaven announced today the grand opening of its new vacation resort. The Heaven’s Gate Spa and Resort, the first of three such projects, is located just outside of New Jerusalem, and some are already calling it the “New Mecca” of tourism.

“Having a complete eternal perspective on all humanity allows us to customize a package to fit anyone’s budget and life experiences,” said Michael, the archangel and manager of the site. “In fact, there is no charge for a two-night stay. All we ask is that our guests attend a brief, no obligation, ninety minute evangelistic crusade where they will learn about options for eternal ownership in our other properties inside of Heaven.”

Stock in heavenly pursuits has been in decline for decades, stemming in part from concerns that the recent economic turmoil on Earth has sapped the resources of Heaven’s Prayer Fulfillment business. And although Earth’s global population has been rising, fewer people than ever are opting to spend their eternal lives in Heaven. The new resort was built to reverse that trend. “By giving people a taste of the feast to come, we hope to dramatically increase our everlasting market share,” said Michael from his 942,325,195th-story office. “We even have a PGA-quality eighteen-cloud golf course. Unfortunately, the private lessons with Tiger Woods that we promoted in some of our brochures are no longer available.”

In the past, visiting the borders of Heaven required a lengthy hospital stay. “But with fewer people having access to affordable health insurance, we found it necessary to ‘lower the bar’ for a peek into eternal glory.” Vacationers can still take the near-death transport (“Bring your sunglasses,” says Michael), or they can purchase tickets on the Chariot of Fire express, which departs daily from most major airports and megachurches.

“My wife had a fantastic time at their older location last year,” said George Fitzsimmons of Omaha, Nebraska, who nearly lost his wife in a car accident. “But before we make a down payment on more permanent lodgings, I told them that I wanted to visit Hell’s ‘Gardens at the Lake of Fire’ resort to see what they have to offer. I hear they’re having a two-for-one soul sale.”

Michael is all too familiar with “lookie loos” like the Fitzsimmons family. “We haven’t always done a good job at selling the value of Heaven. The ‘Chubby Cherub’ and ‘Angel Choir’ advertising campaigns we depended on for centuries aren’t reaching this younger generation,” admitted the busy archangel. “Today’s humans are demanding evidence before they give in to a trust in God. It’s sad, really.”

[Image Credits: Golfer copyright (c) 2006 by sxc.hu/poiuytone; Wings copyright (c) by Sheila Voodoo (sxc.hu/voodoo4u2n).]

Christmas is a season of peace and joy, a chance to reflect back on the time long ago when Mary and Joseph made the difficult journey to Bethlehem, only to stay overnight in a stable because the innkeeper had burned down the hotel with too many holiday lights. Luckily, decorating your tree and home today involves much less bodily peril and only half the number of donkeys. To enjoy a safe and sane Christmas, use the following “Lighting Checklist” to help prepare your house for winter lighting conditions.

Purchase Your Lights. Before you make the long trip to your local major retail store to stock up on lights, figure out how many lights you need. For the outside of your house, many homeowners purchase strings of lights that look like icicles when lit up at night, and like broken fishing tackle during the day. These lights typically come packaged in twenty-foot long sections. Estimate one section of lights for every two feet of roof border, since manufacturers are required by federal law to keep these lights from being untangled by the consumer. For the Christmas tree in your house, always buy two strands of lights since nobody has the patience to go around the tree more then seven or eight times.

In every neighborhood there is always one house that pushes lighting to the extreme, covering the property with approximately the same number of lights used in New York’s Times Square, only brighter. You must resist all attempts to compete with such neighbors. Instead, visit these local Christmas elves and commend them on the fine job they are doing. Better yet, invite them over for some early Christmas cheer and eggnog. This will give your kids time to collect a few hundred feet of lights from their house, since the store will only have three half-open boxes of lights left in stock.

Test the lights. Many homeowners make the mistake of nailing up long cords of Christmas lights, only to discover that some or all of the lights in each strand fail to turn on. That’s why it is important to test your Christmas lights before putting them up. To properly test them, lay one strand out to its full length and plug the lights in. If any of the glass elements stay dark, move to each errant bulb and—taking care not to damage the delicate wires at the base of each tiny unit—strike it with a blunt hammer. Then return the entire section to the store for a replacement set, indicating how the first string was defective. Repeat this process until you find a set that lights up completely.

Install the lights. Attaching the Christmas lights to your house is the most dangerous part of the decorating procedure. You should adequately prepare for the task, being sure the take plenty of time to plan each step in the process. Five or six weeks should be enough. But if you have one of those nagging wives who drones on and on about how the kids would be heartbroken without lights, and if you have verified that they really are your kids, then it’s time to pull out the ladder and put up the lights.

You should not attempt the installation by yourself. Many people are severely injured every year while placing lights on their house, even when Al Gore is out of the country. To ensure your safety, call over some friends to help with the task. One person should hold the ladder steady, another person should carefully unravel each stand and be ready to feed the lights, and a third person should attach the lights to the inside of the eaves. To maintain the spirit of the season, be sure to ask these three people if they would like you to pick up something to snack on from the store, since you’re going out anyway.

All that’s left to do is to throw the switch and admire your handiwork. And after you’ve had a chance to stand back and admire the warm glow, you can take comfort in knowing that there should be a few additional spaces available in the stable.

[Image Credits: unknown]

With the unemployment rate hovering around ten percent, families are wondering where their next meal is going to come from, and how long it will last them. While many cafes offer satisfying meals, a new chain of restaurants opening in several states this month claims to provide meals that will “bring people together for all eternity.”

The new shops are called “The Last Supper,” and its angelic mix of food and intimacy is introducing people to a whole new type of health food. The president and part owner of the company, a bearded thirty-something named Jesus, hopes the fare served by his locations will bring new life to those in physical and spiritual need.

“It’s all about the relationships,” said Jesus, whose “Bread of Life” nickname has become something of a company motto. “My Father has always been big on relationships and intimacy. As a family, we’ve found that food is a great way to bring people together into new and lasting relationships.”

His company has been preparing food—mostly Concord grape wines and unleavened breads—for close to 2,000 years. “But our distribution system just wasn’t working out,” said the Holy Spirit, the company’s head of corporate communications. “When we first started, our branches in the Middle East were in love with the entire concept, and people flocked together, not just for the food, but for the living relationships. But times have changed, and so many of our traditional locations have established ritualistic seating guidelines.”

The company decided to try a more direct effort. “Taking life-giving food to the people of the world has always been one of our primary concerns,” said Mr. Jesus. “We even have living water available for those who thirst for righteousness.” Local health inspectors ensured the public that there would be no living organisms in the water.

The menu features everyday comfort foods. One favorite is “The Five Thousand,” a tasty fish dish that comes with five bread selections. And for dessert: angel food cake. Each store will also offer wine, although one Liquor Control Board was investigating rumors that the wines were nothing more than plain tap water.

God, the normally silent partner, was excited about the work that Jesus had done with the new restaurants. “I am well pleased with him. I’ve always depended on him to bring new people in, to make them a real part of the family. This is really good news.” God was also promoting his book, an action-adventure-romance-comedy that weaves a story of love and war from the creation of the world to its final apocalyptic conclusion.

Excitement over the new restaurant wasn’t limited to just the owners. “I’ve heard that people were willing to die for this guy’s food,” said Joe, a marketing consulting who lives around the corner from one of the new restaurants. “And who can argue with ‘free?’”

That’s right, the food at The Last Supper is paid for by head chef Jesus himself. “At least for those willing to trust us with the food and the bill,” reminded the owner. “In the end, it’s not about what you eat or drink or wear, but it’s about who you know, and who knows you. What does it profit a man if he should gain the whole world, but lose out on some really good eats and relationships?”

[Image Credits: Unknown]

The North Pole Board of Directors today filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection for its overnight delivery service, and announced the immediate suspension of division president Santa Claus from his regular gift giving and elf management duties. The company released a short statement commending Mr. Claus on his centuries of service. In his place, the board has promoted Executive Vice President Norman Keebler to the position of acting Father Christmas. Mr. Claus did not respond to repeated attempts to contact him by wish list.

“Businesses worldwide have been hard hit by the global economic downturn, and the North Pole is no exception,” said Rudolph Joyovich, chairman of the board. “With our mounting corporate debt and the approaching holiday season, prudence demanded that we act sooner rather than later. As difficult as this change may be for many, we anticipate that most parents will come up with some such story to placate their children in time for Christmas. ‘Santa got the swine flu,’ perhaps?”

North Pole Delivery Services, while under protection from creditor demands, will undergo a bank-managed reorganization. “Sadly, Kris Kringle will not be a part of that process,” said Jennifer Meiser, Vice President of Edge of Reality Accounts for the World Bank. The Securities and Exchange Commission has announced a related investigation into Mr. Kringle’s salary and bonus package, and his lucrative toy licensing rights. As for the millions of outstanding speeding tickets and rooftop-parking violations issued in his name, “those are a matter for local jurisdictions,” said an SEC spokesbureaucrat.

A falling dollar and rising coal prices also contributed to the decision, said the chairman at a blustery Arctic news conference. “With so many children leaving the ‘nice’ list, our coal purchases have more than doubled in just the last five years. We have also had increased logistical costs in light of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and the subsequent airspace restrictions. So many naughty people,” said Mr. Joyovich between sips of hot cocoa.

Sugarplum Engineering, the world’s northern-most toy making business and the only part of the corporation in fiscal solvency, will continue its existing operations. However, prices for the world-famous playthings will likely rise to compensate for deficits elsewhere in the company. A sales manager, who spoke on condition of elfanymity, indicated that the typical toy would increase in cost from $nice.child to $58.43, plus shipping and handling.

News of the red-suited layoff reached all corners of the globe within hours of the announcement. Max, a six-year-old living in Texas tweeted a typical reaction: “It’s so jank. I want my mommy!” Yet feelings at the North Pole manufacturing center were still upbeat. “I heard that St. Nick already found a job at FedEx. But I expect to see that ol’ Bowl Full of Jelly back soon. The board did the same thing back in the 1930s, and things turned out all right,” said one perky elf.

When things might actually turn out all right is anyone’s guess. For now, families are sizing up their options. “I guess we could go to church and celebrate the birth of God’s son,” said a shopper at a Harrods store in London. “But it just won’t feel like Christmas.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clip art]

God filed suit in federal court today against several dozen scientist engaged in what the Eternal Father calls “piracy of legally protected DNA lifeware.” At issue are the cloning efforts of several research laboratories around the United States who are alleged to have engaged in the illegal copying and distribution of previously licensed DNA.

“We don’t sell DNA; we license it,” declared the Holy Spirit, God’s official spokespirit. “Every life form has a non-exclusive, non-transferable right to his, her, or its own DNA product. The license agreement issued and signed at germination or fertilization is very clear in this matter.”

Today’s filing represents the first time that an omnipotent deity has sought legal enforcement of patent rights. “But it won’t be the last time,” declared Mr. Spirit. “My client will aggressively pursue anyone who clones heavenly materials without a proper licensing agreement.”

Most pundits were not surprised at the legal action, since it was only a week ago that a lawyer for Dr. Hyung Wojihowski, one of the defendants, raised doubts about the Lord’s patent claims. “We categorically reject God’s claims of DNA ownership, and ask him to provide evidence that he developed the technology first,” said attorney James Hartgrove. In a related story, Mr. Hartgrove was found dead in his home several days later, the result of widespread mutations throughout all his body’s cells. The death has been ruled a suicide.

A three-judge panel has imposed a cloning injunction until the case can be fully reviewed. But some of the researchers will continue on with their projects despite the ban. “Of course I will keep working,” said Heinrich Greggson, PhD, a researcher focusing on the cloning of sushi-grade tuna. “I’m certainly impressed with the quality of the DNA he produced. But let’s face it; the man’s past his prime. He’s in management now, and managers only care about the bottom line. That’s why he’s suing. What happened to his quest for knowledge?”

It could be years before the results of the suit are fully adjudicated. Until then, the Creator of All Things is leaving the door open for negotiation. In a released statement, the I AM said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock, with a contract in hand. I was willing to give my son so that people, including these scientists, might gain eternal life. Is it asking too much of them to offer me ten percent of their royalties in return?”

[Image Credits: "Hello Dolly" image copyright (c) 2008 by Chris Gin.]