Quarterly Results
For the quarter "2009 October to December"
Heaven Opens New Vacation Resort
In a sign that the world economy might be turning around, Heaven announced today the grand opening of its new vacation resort.
(more)Christmas Lights or Bust!
Christmas is a chance to reflect back on the time long ago when Mary and Joseph made the difficult journey to Bethlehem, only to stay overnight in a stable because the innkeeper had burned down the hotel with too many holiday lights.
(more)Pinocchio Found Guilty of Perjury
A state judge today sentenced defense lawyer Boy “Woody” Pinocchio to three nights in jail after the attorney perjured himself during a hearing.
(more)Jesus Opens New Restaurant Chain
A new chain of restaurants opening in several states this month claims to provide meals that will “bring people together for all eternity.”
(more)First Amendment Rights Extended to Starbucks
In a six-three decision, the United States Supreme Court today afforded Starbucks the First Amendment rights already granted to the nation’s citizens.
(more)Google to Run IRS
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that Google will begin management of the Internal Revenue Service’s tax collection operation starting on January 1.
(more)News of Breaking News!
We have breaking news about a horrific incident that may have taken place at an undisclosed location in the downtown area of a major American city.
(more)White House Phone Menu System
Please listen carefully as our menu options and several of our healthcare-related policies have recently changed.
(more)Election Czar Cuts Republican Votes by 90%
Republicans are crying foul at a new executive order issued by President Barack Obama that will reduce each conservative’s vote to one-tenth of its previous level.
(more)Ant Misbehaving
Southern California is a great place to live. No matter how difficult the work week is, there’s always a sunny weekend ahead: a chance to get in your car, drive to the some scenic mountain or ocean recreation spot, and feel your skin warmed by the collective friction of millions of tiny ant feet.
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