Quarterly Results
For the quarter "2010 April to June"
States May Limit Third Trimester Cell Phone Contract Terminations
The Supreme Court today issued a ruling in a contentious case that has pro-choice advocates up in arms against their pro-battery-life counterparts.
(more)Obama Administration Adopts New “Opt Out” Immigration Policy
President Obama took some time out from his busy deficit-spending activities to sign an immigration-related executive order.
(more)Census Bureau Releases Corrected Numbers for All 52 States
The Census Bureau released an updated set of population numbers from each of the 52 states, plus the Pretend State of Washington, DC.
(more)Facebook to Build Fence to Protect its National Borders
Facebook announced today its plan to build the world’s largest border fence in an attempt to stem the flow of illegal users into its system.
(more)Fed Raises Unemployment Rate by a Quarter Point
The Federal Reserve announced today that it is raising the national unemployment rate by a quarter point.
(more)BP Discovers Massive Oil Field in Gulf Waters
British Petroleum announced this week the discovery of billions of barrels of oil intermixed with the waters of the Gulf of Mexico.
(more)Dictionary Redefines ‘Poverty’ to Include Banks, CEOs
Merriam-Webster announced today an update to the definition for “poverty” to include those receiving billions in government support.
(more)Surveillance Cameras Enter Witness Protection Program
The Justice Department is expanding the Federal Witness Protection Program to prevent some cameras from being busted into a million pieces.
(more)Arizona Enacts “No Alien Left Behind”
The Arizona legislature has passed the controversial “No Alien Left Behind” package of reforms, also called the “Finders Keepers” law.
(more)Illuminati Engineer Misplaces Prototype Mind-Control Phone
An engineer for the Illuminati accidentally misplaced his prototype mind-control phone, a monolith-like handheld device that is the next step in the organization’s attempt at controlling the masses.
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